Kniddle (n): A miniature generator turbine, usually sold in pairs and attached to the knitting needles of little old ladies and then plugged into the national grid via a domestic plug socket, enabling grandmothers to provide the nation with a source of renewable power when knitting horrid sweaters in a snowflake pattern with arms of unequal length.

Prime Minister David Cameron welcomed the new initiative with a public speech extolling the productivity of Britain’s little old ladies - adding that the production of electricity will henceforth be classified as “work”, removing thousands of senior citizens from benefit entitlement and allowing them to “feel better about themselves”. The Green Party is “cautiously optimistic” about the idea, as the kniddles can be passed on to other family members when the time comes, and the energy comes from an environmentally sound source. Scientists say that each little old lady will be monitored and shocks of increasing severity can be passed back down the current to them if their productivity begins to flag. The cost of the shocks will be reflected in the family electricity bill, and should the shock prove fatal, the kniddles can be collected and passed on quite rapidly. Speaking today, the Prime Minister said he was only sorry that the older members of his own family were unable to take part due to their status as overseas residents in his second house in Tuscany, but Mr Cameron promised that the elderly members of Nick Clegg’s family would be put to work with immediate effect. The new “hand-knitted electricity” project will be promted by free kniddles, given away with the Sunday Mail from now and for evermore.


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